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Okay

It’s Not What You Say…

This weekend, I was gifted beauty of the the gorgeous English countryside in a sea of sun.

Like many of us, I left the city and recharged myself. I had been craving some space to take stock of the past few weeks…which have been full on. But for me, it was also a weekend full of laughter, love, a few tears, and ultimately speaking my truth. 

As my recovery has grown, I’ve learnt the tools to allow me to feel my feelings, without feeling as though they will engulf me like a tsunami. I have gone from needing arm bands to keep me afloat, to being able to embrace the waves that hit me.

In my eating disorder, I was totally unable to understand my feelings or my thoughts. They just flooded me, and I drowned in my despair at not knowing where they ought to be put. The chaos they created in my mind and the angst they filled my stomach with, meant I avoided feeling them by starving them away. It worked for a while, but eventually they also resurfaced…deeper, louder and with more force.

This weekend I practiced one of my most valuable teachings from my time as an inpatient in the US; ‘Truth Without Judgement.’ You can feel a sense of safety when speaking within your own family, but when it’s not your own, you can often feel as if you’ve overstepped the mark. But this weekend I spoke my truth, during a conversation that took me way outside of my comfort zone, and in turn left me feeling vulnerable. I am a huge advocate of going outside the realms of what keeps you feeling safe, and it is only by taking risks that I have truly built an inner confidence, resilience and sense of self. I learnt that it’s often not what you say, but how you say it; the delivery of your words can have a huge impact on how the recipient receives them.

This morning, as I headed into work, I reflected on many of the words spoken this weekend, and felt incredibly grateful that I no longer fear speaking my truth. I’m grateful that I’m able to say how I feel, and stand up for others, even when there is a risk that the other person/s may not agree. Two different opinions can exist without a need for disharmony or disconnect. What is important is that you are able to express and articulate your words, without judgement…and then move on.