Where do I belong?
Ever felt as though you are living on the periphery of everyone else’s life, can’t quite find your place in the world; you just don’t fit in anywhere? Yup me too. I felt like this so often in my twenties.
This feeling of course runs parallel with having an eating disorder. Someone who spends so much time in their head, can never fully be present with anyone else; they are constantly distracted by their thoughts. But what’s been interesting for me to discover during recovery, is that some of my characteristics still exist despite being free from my eating disorder. I’ve frequently heard people who have overcome difficulties say, ‘I don’t want to go back to my old self, I am new person.’ The thing is that I just don’t think this is true. I am still the same person, but I am no longer my eating disorder. I have always been a sensitive, quiet soul and this has not changed. What has changed is that I have a voice that I am not afraid to use when needed.
Do I still feel as though I don’t belong or fit in? Well sometimes, but not often. I will probably always enjoy being in smaller groups, doing my own thing, but the difference is I am OK with this. Leaving my child-self behind and becoming a woman, has taken me longer than many of my peers. My eating disorder didn’t want me to grow up – I was a real-life Peter Pan. Becoming an adult though has been a journey that has helped me become at peace with myself. I spent so many of my younger years desperately trying to find my place. I have long let go of the the need to be seen to be in the ‘cool club.’ I have people around me that I care for, and that care for me. I don’t feel the need to keep up with everyone just for the sake of it. I know that I fit into life in some way.
The feeling of not ‘fitting in’ was a huge part of why I created Jiggsy. I believe everyone has a ‘Piece In the Puzzle’ that belongs somewhere and to someone. Everyone has a gift, a story, a message that needs to be shared. To whoever reads this, just know that you fit into this big wide world just as you are; your time will come.