Disgusted With Myself

“Unless you’ve suffered from an eating disorder this probably sounds completely crazy. It’s so hard to explain.
 I’ve suffered from severe anorexia at two points in my life – first as a teenager & then again in my late 30s as a mother of two children – & I don’t understand it. You probably think why don’t I just look in the mirror. Well, I do that & I don’t like what I see. Logically I know my BMI is towards the lower end of the healthy range, I know that my weight is fine & I know that I’m a UK size 8-10. BUT when I look in the mirror or at photos I just see a fat person looking back at me. I know it’s weird & it frustrates the hell out of me. I’m usually such a logical person. I like facts & things to be black & white. My background is a degree in Biochemistry & I trained to be a chartered accountant. But I just can’t apply the logic to myself. 
I’m no longer trying to lose weight as I know that factually I don’t need to but I just want to look at myself & see what others see. I truly have no idea what I actually look like. Even now, typing this I’m conscious of rolls of fat around my stomach because I’m sitting down. I’m sure that’s perfectly normal but it makes me feel disgusted with myself. I know weight loss isn’t the answer. Even when my BMI was in the critical range I felt exactly the same. I came close to death & got stared at everywhere I went but still felt fat. When I looked in the mirror I could see my protruding bones like everyone else, but unlike them I could see layers of fat in between them & it needed to go
I’ve been healthy in body for nearly 20 months but my mind hasn’t caught up. The thoughts & urges are exactly the same. I hope with time & patience I can learn to love myself again. I’m not obsessive about it the way I used to be & I no longer body check. My eating disorder therapy has finished but I’m continuing the work myself at home. Journaling, self-care, yoga, books, mindfulness. Anything to recover.”