I Miss You Louise

“Tonight I miss Louise. I miss her always, but at the moment I miss her differently. I miss the 22 year old she would be. It is hard to grieve for someone who never existed because they didn’t grow up.

I want to ring her. I’m not sure I ever spoke to her on the phone. I want her to come to my house and sit on my sofa and tell me about whatever she gets up to in her free time. I can’t even guess what her hobbies would have been if she’d lived.

I want to go through the turbulence of the identical twin relationship. I want to scream at her that I hate her; I want to hug her so hard that we both think I’ll never let go. I want her to scratch me until she draws blood like she did when we were kids.

Grief is strange because sometimes it feels beautiful and sometimes it feels like half of the world has fallen away. The hardest part is the relentlessness of it: it will never get better because she is never coming back. That doesn’t change the fact that she lived, though. It doesn’t change the fact that she will always be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

This image depicts identical twin young women. They are lying on their backs on the floor facing opposite directions. The woman at the top of the image has long black hair covered in stars. The woman at the bottom of the image has long rainbow hair. Their hair each flows to the other’s shoulders, connecting them though their heads do not touch.”

Sophie Thomas, UK