I’m Sick Of Pretending

“This weekend we had a big family gathering. It had been in the diary for months, but I had been feeling really anxious about it for weeks. I’m not sure if it is me and something I just need to get over, but I don’t feel as though I can be myself around my family. I constantly feel not good enough for them, and that I need to show that I am keeping all my s*** together, when really I’m crumbling inside. 
My family have always been ambitious and pushed me from a young age to achieve. I was one of those girls whose mom lived her own lost achievements through me. I always tried my best, did well at school…became a dancer, married a nice successful man, had two children and live in a nice house on a nice road. But I have always felt like it wasn’t enough for them and recently I have been questioning that it isn’t enough for me. The only thing that has made me feel like I am in control is my eating disorder. I have had a hard time admitting to myself that it’s still a problem. I feel I should have outgrown it, and now I am worried my daughter is picking up my bad habits around food
This weekend my head was entirely consumed by food thoughts, but it was the only thing that kept me from running away from it all. I painted a mask on my face and pretended everything was ‘perfect.’ I don’t want to admit I am overwhelmed and struggling, but I am sick of pretending to be something I’m not.”

Julianne Clough, Washington DC