I’m Sick Of Pretending

“This weekend we had a big family gathering. It had been in the diary for months, but I had been feeling really anxious about it for weeks. I’m not sure if it is me and something I just need to get over, but I don’t feel as though I can be myself around my family. I constantly feel not good enough for them, and that I need to show that I am keeping all my s*** together, when really I’m crumbling inside. 
My family have always been ambitious and pushed me from a young age to achieve. I was one of those girls whose mom lived her own lost achievements through me. I always tried my best, did well at school…became a dancer, married a nice successful man, had two children and live in a nice house on a nice road. But I have always felt like it wasn’t enough for them and recently I have been questioning that it isn’t enough for me. The only thing that has made me feel like I am in control is my eating disorder. I have had a hard time admitting to myself that it’s still a problem. I feel I should have outgrown it, and now I am worried my daughter is picking up my bad habits around food
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This weekend my head was entirely consumed by food thoughts, but it was the only thing that kept me from running away from it all. I painted a mask on my face and pretended everything was ‘perfect.’ I don’t want to admit I am overwhelmed and struggling, but I am sick of pretending to be something I’m not.”

Julianne Clough, Washington DC