“Some days are excruciating and my escape is to put on my brave face and pretend that I’m coping. Every day is like living a lie and everyone sees me as a beautiful, kind, and confident woman with a career. No one sees me in my room at night crying and alone and wondering if there will ever be a day it doesn’t hurt, a day I don’t focus all of my efforts into shrinking. Running from myself.
Belonging, mattering, being seen, being held, feeling safe. What am I without these, I almost feel inadequate to take a place on this earth. Part of me is waiting, wondering, then I look up and realise it’s real, I am here, those things are not there. Can it possibly be that I am where I am meant to be, that cant be. Such sadness and distress. A loneliness that makes my heart psychically ache.
I know when I have fight, I know when I hold hope. I know when I can see how. Then there is this. A lost. A lonely. A frightened. Empty.
I have lived a life full of love, laughs and moments I will never forget. Memories I shared. I loved, lost, and felt the best and worst of. Have I lived one of the luckiest or perhaps unluckiest journeys of all? The worst of has shown me that the poppy fields are it, they are the bits, the bits many drive past, but I lose my breath, I feel alive and lucky I can see something so beautiful. In that moment I take that, the gratitude for what is free and beautiful and so often lost.
Somehow the more you can help others to see that talking and getting help is the key. Finding trust. Rising above shame. I haven’t managed it yet but I have had the privilege of watching others flourish when they do.
Reaching, yet out of reach. Wishing for love and care but out of reach.”