You’ve Always Been Amazing

I look at artists, writers, dancers and all sorts, and I’m incomparable. Perhaps that’s just my never ending spiral of a dark cloud being above me (I struggle with more than anorexia, I supposedly I have a life long, chronic mental disorder where I can never regulate emotions). But if there’s one thing I know about dark, stormy clouds passing the sky, if that is the metaphor then we are the sky. We do not operate within it, it operates within us. Okay? It doesn’t matter where we are on the planet or how difficult our situation seems to be, we have the ability to overcome and transcend our circumstances. That,
 I promise.
 
Because it was never really about the weight loss, was it? I can’t quite put my finger on what it was all about but I know it was no unyielding, slenderising regime, I didn’t take dieting to the extreme. Lying there, as a nonsensical thirteen-year-old plastered in electrodes, dropping a few dress sizes was the last thing on my mind. My mind was a desolate vacuum of cessation and the most concentrated irrationality, there was nothing on my mind. Along with my spur to thrive and my bid to survive, I was fading out.
 It was never really about the weight loss. 
And because I KNOW it was never about the weight loss, it was more, something deeper and more entrenched. Only you experienced the pain you felt, so I won’t pretend to understand your individual torment but I can only imagine how much you were suffering. And I am so truly sorry you suffered for so long, feeling inadequate, feeling hopeless and as if this life led by anorexia was all it was ever going to be. 
But it never was, because you were always worth so much more than what you ever perceived yourself as. I see your heart before I see your skin because to me you’ve only ever always been amazing.”

Ceilidh, London